The Martialist: The Magazine For Those Who Fight Unfairly

“Stay ‘unreasonable.’  If you
don’t like the solutions [available to you], come up with your
own.” 
Dan Webre

The Martialist does not
constitute legal advice.  It is for ENTERTAINMENT
PURPOSES ONLY.

Copyright © Phil Elmore,

all rights
reserved.

Lifeline Survival in a Bottle

Review by Phil Elmore

Part of a complete line of first aid and survival products from Lifeline First Aid,
the Survival in a Bottle kit is marketed by the company as one of its
“lifestyles in a bottle.” The bottles range from “survivor” and “hiker”
to “traveler,” “golfer,” “gardener,” and “fisherman.” All bottles are
of GE Lexan polycarbonate. An impressive array of different styles and
contents are offered. For evaluation purposes, The Martialist was interested (obviously) in the “survival” lifestyle.

The blue-tinted bottle (not to mention, I assume, its
contents) is manufactured in China and includes approximate
measurements in milliliters and ounces, marked up to 32 ounces and 1000
milliliters. The company asserts that it is “dishwasher safe” but
stipulates cleaning on the top rack only with non-abrasive dishwasher
soap. A cheap, blue aluminum carabiner (marked “not for climbing”)
comes attached to the plastic cap, which has a rotating keeper tab and
exhibits several molding imperfections in the interior.

The bottle comes complete with the following items:

• 2AA Conventional Flashlight

• Survival Blanket

• Disposable Pancho

• 5-in-1 Whistle Toll

• 8″ x 10″ zip-lock plastic bag

The flashlight is typical of dollar-store Chinese
imports and has poor fit and finish. Two Panasonic batteries are
included. (It occurs to me that the only time one ever encounters
Panasonic batteries is when they’re included with another consumer good
— nobody goes to the store and passes up Energizers or Duracells in
favor of Panasonic cells.) When the somewhat temperamental slider
switch is pushed forward, the flashlight produces a weak, deeply flawed
beam that looks more like a halo than a spot. A very short lanyard is
included because, well, you’d hardly want to lose this baby after
spending all of US $1 on it.

The space blanket and disposable pancho are typical
of the blankets and panchos one can find in the camping section of any
discount store. I don’t think there’s really any way to screw these up.

The 5-in-1 tool is of the type I’ve seen so often
that I wish I had a dollar for everyone I’ve encountered. An
impressively loud internal-pea-type whistle is attached to an allegedly
waterproof plastic housing (which comes complete with… nothing
inside). A short length of nylon string is wrapped around the barrel of
the tool. The compass head unscrews. It knows which way is North and it
has a signal mirror inside. I’m not sure where the term “5-in-1”
applies, as Compass, Whistle, Signal Mirror, and Waterproof Container
are only four functions. I guess the string is a function unto itself,
unless the integral plastic ring to which one end is tied is intended
to let you use the whole thing as a fishing float, or something.

The zip-lock bag is, well, a zip-lock bag, though I
think it must be a knockoff rather than a name-brand. I didn’t have a
sandwich to put in it, nor was I inclined to do so, but you never know
when such a sealable bag will come in handy.

I took my own Survival in a Bottle kit, added a few
odds and ends I had kicking around the office, and declared the whole
thing a backup kit for use at work. I suspect if I ever do break down
and use the kit it will be to empty it and fill it with water, but you
never can tell what might occur.

The Survival in a Bottle kit as purchased contains a
few useful items that come housed in perhaps the most useful item of
them all — the bottle itself. While it’s not a waste of money, it’s
far from a complete kit and its components are not of the highest
quality. Do not under any circumstances purchase one of these and then
declare your emergency preparations complete.

You’re only just getting started.