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“Stay ‘unreasonable.’ If you
don’t like the solutions [available to you], come up with your
own.”
Dan Webre
The Martialist does not
constitute legal advice. It is for ENTERTAINMENT
PURPOSES ONLY.
Copyright © 2003-2004 Phil Elmore, all rights
reserved.
Fighting the Zombie Wars
By Lawrence Keeney
The team was called after reports
surfaced of severely mangled bodies found at several sites around the
area. Accounts of strangely mutilated people attacking homeowners in a downtown
apartment complex began trickling in. The six men, dressed from head to toe in black and
festooned with weapons, cleared each hallway of the building like a
well-trained SWAT team. Suddenly, the undead lumbered out of doorways and through
gaping windows broken by frantic, fleeing residents. The operators opened fire in all
directions.
Precise three- and four-round bursts
of fire spat from the team’s suppressed Colt 9mm submachine guns. Over
the slapping of the weapons could be heard the moans of zombies, the cycling of actions, and
the ringing of empty brass
hitting the tile floors. The team leader came face to face with a sneering
postal worker ghoul. He released the zombie from its torment with a controlled burst
that blew out the back of the things head.
Get this thing off me! came a
frantic call from one of the operators, now on his back fighting off a
half-dressed undead woman. The creature was trying to gnaw its way through his Hellstorm Kevlar-gloved right hand. Agent Tim Davis ended the struggle by sticking his long-slide Glock 34 into the
dead womans ear and pulling the trigger.
As quickly as it began, the battle
was over.
Ever since the pivotal documentary
Night
of the Living dead was released in 1968, people have become aware of the
dangers associated by the occasion of living dead outbreaks. As these
instances of cannibalistic savagery have been beaten back each time, veterans
of the zombie wars have amassed a vast storehouse of information on how to
fight the de-animated. Government sponsored Deanimated Assault Teams, or DATS,
have been stationed all over the United States and are prepared to deploy on
reports of attacks by the living dead. They have been successful in stopping
the outbreaks and covering them up to avert a mass panic among the citizenry.
This writer recently interviewed a DAT operative. The operative offered
tips for those martialists who find themselves in the midst of an undead horde
or a less widespread outbreak.
The veteran of several campaigns,
including one which took place in the Flatbush section of New York City on
September 11, 2001. the operative claims to have personally terminated over 500 flesh eaters
in his decade as a DAT team member. An affable man with short-cropped hair and
a goatee, A.J. (as we will call him in this article) appeared seemingly out of nowhere for our
interview in a hotel room just outside Huntington, West Virginia. A.J.
appeared at the door carrying a large black soft-sided case containing a Colt
9mm submachine gun topped with an Aimpoint sight and a Surefire tactical
weapon light. He carried two Glock handguns one strapped to his belt, strong
side, and a smaller Glock in a crossdraw holster.
A.J. carried a regular cell phone and a
satellite phone, as well as two different beepers, which he said kept him in
contact with DAT command (located in an undisclosed East Coast city). We dont
see flare-ups that often, maybe 3-4 times a year, but when we do, it is
imperative for us to be on scene within a couple of hours, he told me. I
have four operators in my cell. We carry enough arms and the gear needed to
put down an outbreak. Most of the time we can handle it on our own. He added
that very seldom do the teams call in reinforcements. “The key is not to
make a big noise when we work. Exactly the opposite is true. We want to get
in, exterminate the bogies, police them up, and get them out for disposal.
The fact that these teams have been able
to contain the undead problem without unnecessary attention doesnt mean it
has been easy. Far from it. We almost lost control of the Flatbush outbreak,
the agent admitted. If we hadnt caught it really quick, it could have broken
loose across the entire city within a week or so. We were lucky. The NYPD
spotted a group of the dead in an abandoned warehouse. We barricaded the
doors, tossed in some white phosphorus grenades, and burned the building to the
ground. Spotters said there were between 50 and 100 zombies in the warehouse
at the time.
A.J. emphasized to this reporter the
importance of being prepared if an outbreak happens in your community. He said
any number of weapons were useful in battling de-animated threats. These poor
bastards arent fast and they arent smart. You dont have to be a trained
soldier to beat a group of them; you just need a little common sense. That,
and a few basic weapons. He stressed that while having so-called assault
weapons on hand for zombie defense was nice; it was not at all essential.
In order to win, defenders have to
re-think everything they have ever imagined about stopping power and powerful
guns of all sorts, he said. Its nice to have an AR-15 and a bag full of
loaded magazines, but you really do not need it. The average gunfight with
living, breathing humans ends when the victor riddles his enemy with bullets.
Well, that doesnt work with the zombie. You can empty a 30-round magazine
into one of these bastards and they will just keep coming. You must make a
head shot on them, right in the brain, or your buddies will find you dead or
undead with an empty gun.
He said a well-motivated and trained small
game hunter with a 22-caliber hunting rifle and full metal jacket ammunition
can do a fine job. I saw a sniper on a roof in Cleveland shooting a Ruger
10-22 with a Gemtech silencer. He dropped dead guys like beer cans. He understood
where to shoot and what ammo to use. Now, you know, every other house in the
country has a .22 rifle like that. They’re used to hunt rabbits and squirrels and
to shoot at paper targets in the summer. If you have enough ammo, you’re well
prepared to kill zombies with such a rifle.”
Author’s night rig: A Glock, a bowie, and
plenty of ammo.
Dont worry about the latest hollow point
ammunition, the agent told this reporter. It doesnt matter when shooting the undead. “As a
matter of fact,” A.J. told me, “full-metal jacketed ball ammo is better for
splitting skulls.”
According to the agent, any handgun round
in an accurate sidearm is adequate for the task. He did note that it would be
a good idea to carry more than one handgun if you suspect the undead are near.
Just think about Clint Eastwood in The Outlaw Josey Wales,” he said. “His character
carried multiple revolvers. Instead of wasting time reloading his empty pistols,
he
just drew another gun and continued the fight. When the zombies come, they
tend to come in groups of three or more, sort of like a wolf pack. You cannot
waste time doing tactical reloads in these situations. Keep shooting until all
the bastards are down or you can get away.
Assemble your tools prior to fighting the undead.
Be prepared!
Dont discount the common hunting shotgun
in 12 or 20 gauge. Shorten the barrel to the legal minimum of 18 inches and
instantly you have a devastating close-quarters battle weapon. A.J. told me he
prefers
rifled slugs or buckshot rounds for maximum devastation, but he quipped,
Anything that splits a melon will split a head.
All the guns in the world will do a zombie
hunter no good if he doesnt carry the necessary survival gear. A powerful
tactical flashlight is one of these essential pieces of kit. In the dark, you
have to see who, or what, you are shooting, A.J. stressed. “Terminate a denizen
of the walking dead, you are a hero. Pop the milkman in the head with a Hydra
Shock and you end up in jail. It makes sense to know your target.
Lighting up a Zombie with a SureFire tactical light
prior to the “kill.”
The agent said anyone who combats the
de-animated needs to wear the proper protection. I would suggest good Kevlar-lined gloves, goggles or tactical shooting glasses that cover the eyes, and
good strong coveralls that are bite resistant. A medical kit that contains
sterile wipes for cleaning off blood and foreign matter spraying from terminated
zombies is also essential.
As A.J. finished our interview, he left
me with a few words of advice.
People need to know what to do if an
infestation takes place in their area. So far, our teams, with the help of
many law enforcement agencies, have kept a lid on nearly 1,000 outbreaks over
the past twenty years.
“Someday, somewhere, we will be too late
to stop one.”