its paid sponsors, whose products you need!
“Stay ‘unreasonable.’ If you
don’t like the solutions [available to you], come up with your
own.”
Dan Webre
The Martialist does not
constitute legal advice. It is for ENTERTAINMENT
PURPOSES ONLY.
Copyright © 2003-2004 Phil Elmore, all rights
reserved.
Fighting Vampires
By Phil Elmore
Vampires.
The word brings to mind images of everything from the classic, disfigured
Nosferatu to a scantily clad young girl named Buffy dusting blood-sucking
thugs while spouting popular culture catchphrases. Most of the time we
dismiss vampires as fiction, as entertainment. We do not trouble
ourselves with the idea that these undead predators may even now be passing
for human on the darkened streets of cities across America and Europe. While we
spend our time training to defeat assailants from within the ranks of our
own species, we ignore the threat posed by vampires. This is unwise.
It is the official position of The Martialist that
you be prepared, when necessary, to root out the vampire menace and destroy it
utterly. To that end you must have both the tools and the knowledge
necessary to know your foes and eliminate them. While there is still
some debate regarding aspects of vampire lore, enough common ground exists to
make fighting and destroying these creatures possible to mere mortals.
Let us first define the nature of the vampire. A
vampire is human in appearance, or at least can appear human at times or in
certain ways. A vampire does not die of natural causes, which means many
of them are hundreds or even thousands of years old. Vampires feed on
human blood exclusively (at least for sustenance), have the ability to turn
other human beings into vampires, and may or may not possess the ability to
fly (or to transmogrify into bats, wolves, and other creatures). Some
believe vampires have hypnotic powers, at least over the weak-willed.
Most vampires were once human, though some theorize that
there are those born with the curse of vampirism. A wooden stake through
the heart, decapitation, fire (and explosion), and exposure to a sufficient
degree of sunlight are known methods for destroying such creatures. It
is also believed by some that vampires suffer from severe allergies to silver and
garlic. Vampires may or may not be vulnerable to holy water and the
trappings of Christianity.
WARNING! Vampires are inherently dangerous. Do not attempt to fight vampires unless you are trained in vampiric combat and work under the supervision of a qualified instructor or dedicated vampire hunter. The Martialist accepts no responsibility for death, dismemberment, or conversion to vampire resulting from vampire fighting.
We’ll stipulate, for purposes of this article, that you know
of or have encountered a vampire or vampires that you believe must be
destroyed. You might also simply be minding your own business when a
creature of the night approaches you some evening, intent on drinking your
blood. Whatever the situation, you must arm yourself both with
information and with the appropriate vampire-killing implements. We will
first look at the vampire-killing tools you should have in your monster-combat
toolbox.
A GOOD SWORD
The sword is one of the best all-around monster-killing
tools. If I remember correctly, EMTs are not allowed to pronounce people
dead except in cases of decapitation. This is because while someone may
appear dead but still live in any number of ways, it is very, very hard to
continue functioning (alive or undead) without a head. Zombies,
werewolves, vampires, and many biologically-based demonic entities can be
killed by decapitation, though the difficulty in taking their heads varies.
No weapon will serve you in better stead across a wider array of monster
combat than will a quality sword.
Author’s much-used custom
Blade
near-reproduction and a wooden stake.
APPROPRIATE ATTIRE
While it is a little out of place in warmer weather, one
valuable accessory to the sword (and to your monster-fighting kit) is the long
coat. Long overcoats like dusters and trench coats are favored by
vampires, vampire-hunters, and sword-wielding immortals alike for the
concealment utility they provide. Follow all local laws regarding
concealed weapons and make sure you have the appropriate monster-hunting
paperwork where appropriate.
THE CLASSICS: SHARP WOOD
It is widely known that a wooden stake through the heart
will kill (or at least immobilize and set up for termination) a vampire.
No good vampire-hunter leaves home without a supply of presharpened wooden
stakes. Popular culture has given us the theoretical use of wooden or
wood-tipped bullets (such as in the fiction of
Jon F. Merz and in the movie Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat), but
this is guesswork at best. No, you don’t need to spend your time
experimenting with dangerous wooden ballistics. Simply sharpen a handful
of stout, foot-long sticks and carry them with you.
LIGHT
The trade-off to the near-immortality of vampirism is, of
course, the inability to operate in daylight. Sunlight is your best
friend when fighting the undead, for if you can trap or otherwise lure a
vampire into direct sunlight you can be reasonably certain of its destruction.
(Some mythology indicates that vampires can indeed function during the day,
but that their powers are greatly reduced. I find this questionable at
best. Most vampire lore emphasizes the fact that vampires cannot
withstand exposure to direct sunlight.)
The small, extremely bright tactical lights available on
today’s market represent one recent innovation that can be used in fighting
vampires. While the light produced by a handheld electric torch may not
kill or even damage a vampire, creatures of the night will react reflexively
to a sudden flash of the bright beam. If exposure to sunlight equaled
death to you, you’d recoil first and ask questions later when someone shined a
shotgun-mounted SureFire in your general direction, too. The distraction
can give you the opening you need to escape or to strike.
For organized vampire-hunting parties, the very large
thousands-of-candlepower portable spotlights on the market are a good
investment, as are the portable lamps using very large battery cells.
The former can be plugged into the cigarette lighter of your vehicle (which
relegates them to the status of vehicle-mounted accessory). It doesn’t
hurt to keep some road flares handy, too. This brings us to…
FIRE
Like many monsters, vampires are vulnerable to fire.
The degree to which they are vulnerable is a matter of debate but, generally
speaking, most monsters will at least avoid open flame (except for zombies,
who are oblivious to the danger). I would not recommend using Molotov
Cocktails or homemade flamethrowing units in your anti-vampiric activities, as
these represent significant danger to the user and are notorious for causing
collateral damage. If circumstances permit, however, you may find it
prudent to use fire to combat the armies of the night.
SILVER AND GARLIC
It is believed that silver, especially silver nitrate, will
destroy vampires. There are those who think hanging cloves of fresh
garlic around their necks will ward off the creatures of the night, too.
(Hanging these around your neck will ward off just about anyone, but it’s not
a practical solution.) Silver is too expensive to be of much use to most
of us (though if you wear a crucifix it might as well be made of silver) and
garlic just doesn’t inspire much confidence. Concentrate on other, more
proven tools.
CHRISTIANITY
It it is believed or at least it was at one time that an
adversarial relationship exists between vampires and Christianity. This
may be because vampires represent all that is unholy, while the forces of
Christianity are the opposite. This might also be because the first
vampire was a creation of Satan, or the result of some ill-advised pact
between Satan and a human mortal. Whatever the origin, many believe
vampires will recoil from the sight of the Christian cross. Topical
application of a cross to a vampire will produce pain and a significant burn
wound, supporters of this theory assert.
Do vampires fear crosses and holy water? Can
these physically burn them?
There is also evidence to suggest that holy water can
physically burn or destroy a vampire. Certainly immersion in a substance
akin to acid but harmless to human beings would make a powerful weapon against
vampires if this is true. It cannot hurt to keep a cross and a supply of
holy water (available through
mail-order) handy for encounters with the blood-sucking undead. Do
not, however, count on these to do the job unless you have experienced it
first hand. I have not had much success with holy water or with crosses
in my own vampire-hunting, but your mileage may vary.
STRATEGIES
Specific
strategies for fighting the undead are beyond the scope of this article.
Vampires are generally believed to be stronger and faster than ordinary
humans, however. This, in conjunction with the supernatural powers they
may or may not possess (such as hypnotism and transmogrification), makes the
vampire a formidable foe. You must use cunning, group tactics, and
advance planning to destroy vampires whenever possible. While they
possess the advantage individually, motivated groups of vampire hunters can
out-think these often arrogant and frequently complacent ancient predators.
If confronted by a vampire individually, your personal
defense strategy will depend very much on the tools you have on hand and on
the circumstances of the encounter. Keep your wits about you and do not
panic. Avoid looking the vampire in the eyes. Focus, instead, on
the dan tien the center of the opponent’s body, which is generally
the zone around the abdomen and slightly above it. Avoid the urge to
“muscle through,” to fight force directly with force. The vampire’s
superior strength will win every time.
Instead, focus on getting off the attacking line, delivering
stunning and distracting blows to the vampire’s head and neck region. Flee to
the nearest human activity. If you have a vampire-lethal weapon on hand,
use it, but do not obsess over terminating the vampire. It is better
that you escape and live to hunt another day than try desperately to finish a
blood-sucker who might gain the upper hand in extended combat.
Some believe a vampire cannot enter a private dwelling
unless the occupant(s) grant(s) it permission, but there is no clear evidence
one way or the other regarding this particular bit of lore. Most vampire
attacks occur outside the home in isolated areas at night, rendering moot this
speculation.
CONCLUSION
There is no substitute for private research on the topic of
vampires. The Martialist recommends that you do your homework by
renting and screening the films Blade, Blade II, Bram
Stoker’s Dracula, Near Dark, Blacula, Fright Night, The
Lost Boys, and as many other vampire-oriented films as possible.
Make sure to “train” with plenty of popcorn and refreshing beverages on hand.
It’s best to turn out all the lights before commencing your research.
Vampires are a grave concern, but fortunately their numbers
are not great. You may go your entire life without encountering one.
It would be unwise, however, not to be prepared for this eventuality.
Especially at Halloween.